Tuesday, March 06, 2007

the fucking colonel.

so last spring/summer KFC came at us with the now infamous KFC Bowls, which if you didnt know by now is mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, popcorn chicken, and cheese all in one hit. amazing. i remember the first time i saw the ad for that shit i just sat in amazement in what appeared to be a dream come true. now i know that this shit is the farthest thing from being good to you (in fact its probably detrimental to your health), but as mike myers said in "so i married an ax murderer", the colonel puts a special drug in his chicken that makes you crave for it nightly, smartass.

same goes for the mashed potatoes and gravy.

now, KFC has one upped themselves by offering the Variety Big Box Meal (pictured above). a little box of popcorn chicken, a drumstick, a couple of chicken strips, mashed potatoes and gravy, cole slaw, and a biscuit. all in one box for the low low price of...well i dont know. but im sure its low and it comes with a drink. this is like the grand slam breakfast, but even more amazing somehow.

i laughed uncontrollably when i saw the ad for this shit.

god bless you colonel.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Pizza Pan Fan... (not)

:::URGENT::: Pizza Pan is not good. Look what it did to my good friend Joey Guzzo. A minute earlier he was having fun and full of life. Then he was cemented to a sheetless mattress on skid row. I don't care if Cleveland's own Little John Rinaldi appears in commercials with a $3000 budget shot on VHS, this pizza is still not good. Do your well being a favor... No matter how many "free" pizzas they offer you... DO NOT EAT PIZZA PAN!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

doghouse hotdogs.

im obviously a little late on this, but doghouse hot dogs, the place that took the place of captain tony's on coventry is pretty solid.
back in town for thanksgiving weekend, i had been looking for an excuse to sneak in some hotdog action in between all the leftovers (seeing how im aspiring hotdog connoisseur), and 1am saturday night seemed like the right call. i was walking back to the bar after seeing the old lady off for the night and upon seeing that it was open (i heard they have had issues with their hours) and empty, i thought id give it a try. they had a nice variety of specialty dogs (a chicago dog, a "coventry" dog, etc) but i decided to go with my usual litmus test, the chili cheese dog. it wasnt mind blowing seeing how im pretty sure the chili and cheese (which was liquid nacho cheese, my hotdog cheese of choice) were from costco or some shit, but it was good. the dude re-grilled my hotdog (which tasted like it was all beef) so it was nice and hot and he seriously piled on the chili and cheese, enough that i had to use a fork. it was also placed in a poppy seed chicago style bun which i thought was a nice touch, seeing how you dont see those too often in cleveland.
i think it came out to like $2 or $3 which is reasonable, and honestly, worth it. especially for drunk folks, who seem to kind of be the target demographic (hence its late weekend hours). shit i ate mine at the bar.
*this isnt a picture of the dog, but pretty damned close.

Friday, November 17, 2006

snacking replaced by revenge

a fun game i made up is listening to the new ringworm cd and replacing scary words like vengance or death, with the words smashing or snacking. for instance, no man dies alone= no man snacks alone. if you really want to take it to the next level buy a hoogie and whenever HF says words like death you have to take a bite, i bet you could smash a party sub by track two. speaking of party subs i googled the words just now

and this was a result

this dude is neither a party nor sub. he is a black+man. more proof that the internet is full of shit

this is what a party looks like.

Going Nationwide with the Smash.

Just drafted some crucial new bi-coastal members to the Smash House....stay tuned to red into their insights as they get their smash faces right. Nothing but the best for our adoring public.


2006 - The Smashing Year in Review

Smashing Top Ten 2006
In my world, 2006 was year of gains. About 15 pounds to be exact. I have these heavenly establishments to thank. Granted, there are plenty of hearty and forthright smash houses on the northcoast that may very well have made the cut, but my wallet and gas tank is only so big. So here's to my champions, in no particular order, the bars and restaurants that won't let me quit. Thanks guys.

Chipotle - I know, it's a franchise eatery. Yeah it seemes like too easy an answer. Yes, you hafta pony up $1.35 extra for guacamole if you're a carnivore. But shit, this is like the Wu-Tang of smashing right here, it didn't invent the genre but it came on the scene hard, got down to business and since then no one has been able to touch them. Smashpotle has the shit on lock. Case closed.

Melt Bar & Grilled - A young gun in the game with a new shtick: a gourmet grilled cheese eatery. Be fooled not. This joint boasts a menu like a billion thousand different sandwich variations all crammed with premier smashery. Even if you are not impressed, can you really hate on a menu with items called "The Parmageddon"? Only if you are a geek really.

La Bodega (Tremont) - Still Cleveland's best kept secret. Any sandwich on the vast menu guarantees an hour nap immediately afterwards. Soup and Salads available, and they are probably solid but why the fuck bother. Plenty of fun to be had between bread here. if you know what it is* the you order by a number and mine would be the #47. (*If you don't, well go ahead and get bent.)

House of Blues - Gospel Brunch - Really needs no explanation. Smashing all things deep-fried and brunchy to a live gospel choir. Table of smashobilia and old people everywhere. Normally I hate smashing with live music in the background, and sometimes old people, but this experience will leave you enlightened and 14 pounds heavier.

Edison's - Pepperoni PIzza - Pizza rules over all. Period. I could go on saying mean things about how meager people are that don't like pizza but a) I really don't know any and b) I'm not here to piss on the less fortunate, so moving on...this was harder to pin down the best in cleveland pizza and not populate the list with just pizza joints. You know what? Fuck it. Too many blue ribbons here. That's what we're gonna do. Stay tuned for The Smash House's Top Ten PIzza Party. Next.

Wild Oats - Right about now you're saying "Pants you are a total weakling. Your job was to deliver me the smashing gospel and all I got was this shitty commie hippie food propaganda and yelled at by my boss." Well, fuck you Sally. Smashing is about enrichment of waistline and body and spirit, and hits like the Grab-n-Go Turkey Wrap and the Peppered Turkey Stack enshrine this organic grocery store up next to 2006's best. Nerd.

Liquid Planet - What? Again?! Are you trying to be the biggest loser? Well, maybe, but go hop on a bicycle with no seat and eat a log of shit anyways Jackson! Savage amounts of quality nutritious smashery crammed into whole what pitas the size of a Honda Civic hubcap! Smoothies, salads and other new-school commie fare available. Quit crying.

Southside - Tremont's answer to the jock bar. Plasma screens playing ESPN perpetually and minimal amounts of douches yelling about college football. More importantly intense smashing goes down here on a weekly basis by yours truly. Shit is fried and Appetizers, sandwiches with ingredients pepared with terms you've only heard about on the food network. Neither snobby or a letdown. and, best of all, NO GOLDEN TEE. AT ALL.

Mark Police's house - No, you can't go there. Unless you're on the inside. Maybe you wil never know the joys of Sunday NFL Good Pie smashing, dead of winter meat pie mashing, or pork butt sandwich crushing, but I do, and at the risk of rubbing it in your face, it soundly dominates any of the aforementioned establishments. Cheers Mark Police.

Winking Lizard - an Ohio chain of jock bars. Fortunately, they know how to cover a lot of things in batter, throw it in a fryer and in turn put a smile on my face. Unfuckwithable Barbecue sauce and honey mustard. Worth shoving through ballcaps and goatees for the big ed burger every once in a while definitely.

Lelolai -West 25th Street Cuban bakery. I would explain further but nothing typed out, blogged out, interpretationally danced out, written out on a beach with a twig can explain the level you will ascend to by smashing a sandwich from this modest mecca of smashing. cheesecakes and pastries are avilable, and I'm sure they're good, but I have yet to stop tripping over the sandwich portion of the menu. You're the coolest Lelolai.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Top Ten Smash House Venues 2006

Due to my love of the smash, and my strong belief that mood drives preferences, these are in no particular order.

Smash house - favorite dish - location

1. Next Door Deli (edisons) - Pizza (assorted toppings) - Tremont
2. Geraci's Pizza - Pizza (assorted toppings) - east side of Cleveland
3. Johnny Mango's - Black Bean Quesadilla - Ohio City
4. Chipotle - Vegetarian burrito (mild salsa, fajita fixins) - Anywhere America
5. La Bodega - No. 39 - Tremont
6. Southside - Fried Portabella Sandwich - Tremont
7. Fat Fish Blue - Fettuccini Alfredo - The heart of Cleveland
8. Melt - tied:The Parmageddon / The Swiss Mushroom Melt - Lakewood OH
9. Flannery's - Mozzarella Sticks - The Heart of Cleveland
10. Schezwan Garden - Zen Orange Chicken - Lakewood OH

With that said... 2007 shall yield much good smash.

Taco Tuesday. November 14, 2006.

For quite a while now I have heard of the event of "Taco Tuesday". In Cleveland, many a bar and restaurant get down with this, but none have been as celebrated as the fabled Lincoln Park Pub on West 14th Street in Tremont. Having lived in this area for more than a minute, I felt kinda like a dunce going to this Taco Tuesday for only the first time, amongst other reasons.

Nevertheless, this was indeed good smashing. This particular TT boasts $1.25 tacos available in 2 varieties: beef or beef with beans. Simple and to the point, these are 2 qualities I admire in smashing.

I opted for 3 beef tacos. They landed in front of my smashface about 5 minutes later. The shells in this case stole the show as they fell somewhere between soft and hard status; and tasted like they were fresh out of the frier. The shells were thick as well, which was a good thing in this case, because the beef was greasy and had I not smashed them in such an expeditious fashion they would have seeped through the shell on to my smashing hand. This, however, would prove to be the only aspect of Taco Tuesday that would come up short.

All in all, that was good smashing.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Fondest Memories of Other People Smashing

I'mma post my fondest memories of morning smashing at the breakfast table with our favorite Pantsley. I will start by saying I hate eggs, Always have. They are gross. You could never catch me smashing on an egg or omelett or any deviation of the beloved breakfast delight. So in order to block out this disgusting display of smashing, I would line up cereal boxes in the form of a strong-hold against such dispicable smash. Wanna know the genious behind this? While blocking out gross smash, I also allowed myself much "back of the cereal box reading." You can say what you will, but I could finish every "Fruity Pebble Maze" and get to Fred to the giant Cereal bowl quicker than any other cereal muching motherfucker.

See the Smash. Be the Smash. Smash the Smash.

Welcome to the Smash House.

This is the smash house. We are smashin' with a passion. You like smashin'? We do too, and we're gonna get you wise here about our finest moments in smashing, the best places to smash, and highlight some of the hardest smashers out there.

Get your smash face on.